My love/hate relationship with food.

I don’t even know where to start with this blog post. I’ve been going over in my head how to word it & i’m just going to keep it real.

So for as long as I can remember I’ve always been funny with food. Gone through stages of loving it & stages of absolutely hating it.

Rewind back the beginning of the first lockdown, I was really struggling with eating or even before, I can’t exactly remember. But weeks passed & it turned into months & now I’m here! I just was struggling mentally like most people & in my head I was like what’s the point in eating. I don’t enjoy it? I was eating just to stay afloat. The world has just been bombarded with this massive news & it took it’s toll on everyone.

It takes me back to when I was younger & I use to despise eating in front of people. I don’t know whether it was a self conscious thing & I didn’t want eyes to be on me. Something that comes from having anxiety, you can get super paranoid.

I was getting no enjoyment from the eating & the only time I was having something to eat, was if I was about to pass out. I remember about a month ago shoving down about 8 celebration chocolates just to stop myself from feeling faint! I realise now that I need to get myself into a routine again of eating at proper times, which I’m working on and I’m not feeling guilty about it. I’m doing something before it gets to the point where I need help.

This isn’t a post to cry for help or anything, it’s me sharing my experience to maybe relate to somebody else going through similar. I am also fully aware if I needed any help, I would ask for it.

Thinking about it now I don’t remember the last day, I had three full meals. (Breakfast, lunch & dinner). I’ve never been a breakfast person like many people & I would tend to eat my something around 2/3pm when my belly would tell me like ok Shanice maybe you should eat now & I developed that habit for a long time. I still do it most days but not always on purpose.

Also my nan bless her, going to me every single day, Shanice have you had breakfast or what are you having for lunch?! I realised maybe I need to sort that out. I didn’t realise I was doing no harm to myself, I just lost my appetite I thought? But going about your day on just eating a cereal bar or piece of cake wasn’t cutting it anymore. One thing about me, is I love sweet stuff so I would happily just eat a brownie or cookie & that was me done for the day. I know now, I need to find a balance. My main meal I’ve been having lately is dinner, I am ready for food by then & I really enjoy it.

Binging: another habit I have developed. I would tend to just eat a ton of random food when I hadn’t ate all day or because I was eating my feelings (girls can relate). This happens randomly but after I would hate how I felt because I felt over indulged & just sick.

I’ve always been naturally slim & luckily I’m not focused on staying a certain weight or counting calories because that would be another issue I’d need to fix within myself. However saying that, I am always constantly thinking to myself oh I feel really frail today when I look exactly the same or thinking why am I constantly bloated, I haven’t ate anything?! but I feel like every single human does that? We always have something we’re not happy with!

In the last week or so, I’ve made a real effort to start eating breakfast. Even if it’s at 11 or 12, I’m still getting food into my system. I’m snacking whenever I feel like it & I am religiously having dinner every night! So it’s a working progress but I will break this habit!

I hope I’ve portrayed this blog post well & it completely is just to share my personal experiences & how lockdown has made me feel mentally. Just know that you are not alone in this & many of us are feeling similar or even the same. Luckily this is nothing serious for myself, it was just a bad developed habit which I’m working on & so far so good! I may be in denial of how bad I’ve let it get? But I’m starting the fixing side now.

Until next time,

Shanices Peaches XOX

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