I don’t even know where to start with this blog post, I’m feeling a whole mix of emotions and I want to word it as well as I can…
*Pre warning this will be filled with me being a negative Nelly but I’m venting my personal experience/feelings & I think it’s important to be honest with your emotions*
I feel selfish writing this post which is silly I know because everyone else is feeling the same… I’m just struggling mentally! I share as much as I can on my Instagram because I like to be honest with who follows my account & now its time to get it all out into a long overdue blog post!
* & breath…. *
The beginning: Where do I even start, two weeks into lockdown I get placed on furlough, which I kind of expected to happen… as most businesses did! It hit my confidence & I don’t know why?! I was like, I love my job now what?!
Thankfully I have my little handmade business to fall back on. Which luckily has been the busiest it has ever been & for that I am super grateful to be putting my 100% attention into it. Creating new orders, brainstorming new ventures. So, so far it’s kept me ticking along at all hours of the day.
Then comes the reality of me.
Each day: A typical day I’m starting with a fear of panic, not wanting to leave my “safe zone” (my bed) & a tight awful feeling in my chest that sticks around most the day. It’s a feeling of dread, almost feeling hopeless about another day in lockdown.
Which leads back to my anxiety, oh the joys. The only way I can explain how my anxiety feels daily, is how lockdown is making everybody feel… trapped. That is how the majority of my day’s feel with anxiety & it has done for the majority of my life! It’s a rush of adrenaline because you’re about to have a panic attack or you’re feeling so low you can’t pick yourself up straight away. Yay to depression also!
Night time: Never thought I’d wish my precious life away – but I’ll wait for the day to be over so it’s time for bed & I’m sitting overthinking until I’m physically exhausted, usually around 1 or 2am – I’ve never had a good relationship with sleep, I dislike it if I’m honest & I’m always restless the next day, hence if you know me…I’ll always moan I’m tired!
Next up: Food – I’ve always had such a love hate relationship with food… I’ll go days where I don’t want to eat or days where I’ll just want to binge eat to my emotions. Lockdown has made me not want to eat if I’m honest. It’ll get to 2/3pm & I haven’t even managed to have breakfast yet but I’ll make up for it with an orange juice or something to fill me up until I can stomach a proper meal because I need to eat something to function. Bizarre I know because deep down I really love food & especially a good dessert!
Panic attacks: Yep, they’re back as well. Months without having them & now I’m having them minor or major on a daily occurrence. Shortness of breath, feeling light headed & just wanting to trap myself away. If I had one super power it would be to banish them the hell away!
Daily exercise: In the first two weeks or so, I pushed myself out of my comfort zone to go for my allowed￼ daily walk…. I’ve never been one for exercising for the fun of it. Being completely honest those daily walks made me feel so alive, it was such an overwhelming feeling of wow I’m doing something that is making me feel bloody amazing. Being in your own bubble, with your headphones in & out in nature clearing the negative energy away.
Then comes alongs agoraphobia (a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear to avoid places)
Something I overcome in the past – however eventually as time passed, the thought of going out for a walk all on my own… put me into panic mode. I’d go days upon days without leaving the house besides going to the post office to send packages for my business, which I’d drive straight back home to safety. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, every day I’d try get myself ready but I couldn’t do it without thinking the worse. Or if I managed to go one day, I’d rush to get back.
It’s bizarre how the mind works hey?!
Instagram: I’ve not taken a step back as such but I’ve had a massive reality check of wow I can’t just hop on the train to London & go shoot anymore at the beginning. I’ve had days where I’ve had bursts of creativity & whenever I had a moment I would get my camera & tripod out then challenge myself to self shoot at home! That was quite exciting as it was something new, I’ve always had a style of doing street content. I wanted to keep my Instagram going but never just post for the sake of it… so that was yet another distraction to keep me busy!
My business: I’m so thankful I have my business to keep me busy at all hours, I’m over working myself ridiculously if anything, however it’s a distraction & that distraction is keeping me from my thoughts.
I just honestly don’t know how much longer mentally I can take it. For someone that relies on freedom to get by each day, to then have it ripped away is soul destroying. It just makes me hope that everyone in a similar situation, knows they’re not alone!
I just think positive thoughts & think ahead of the better times that WILL be coming! Just hang in there. ￼
Until next time.