So, the question I’ve been reflecting on this past month is, am I ready to come off my medication?
Its been a whole challenging year since I started my medication to help my anxiety and depression and a whole year since I had my breakdown – where quite frankly I wanted to give up and decided I needed the help to with my mental health. Luckily, I had loving people round me to pick me up and start to get back to the happy extremely loud Shanice that most people know me as. Anxiety is something I have suffered with for as long as I could remember and depression came into the mix alongside it (added bonus hey!)
I have always been a closed book when it came to speaking about how I felt inside and always wanted to come across as a happy girl without a care in the world…but that’s where I went wrong and would get home most days or if I didn’t make it out that day, cry and get myself into a state because I had bottled it up and it all got too much for me to consume by myself.
These photos were both taken almost two years ago, when I was probably at my skinniest up until I started my medication my natural frame was me wearing size 4-6 clothes and back then I felt awful, I felt big if anything which was another factor of my mental health – self conscious about the most petty things! – I also remember on the girls holiday I went on to Budapest crying because my trousers were too big for me and I couldn’t accept that…
I’m not going to repeat myself too much as I have done many blog posts discussing my mental health and I don’t want to bore you guys reading this anymore with it…. But if you fancy a ready or you are in a similar situation, the posts are there to dive into if you please!
I’ve said continuously I didn’t want to become dependent on medication to make me feel ‘normal’ and a year later its safe to say I am very much into the dependent zone and I want to get out of it. I’m in no means saying it’s a bad thing, it’s just something I would like to take the challenge in become independent and tackle my mental health without the helping aid of taking a tablet every evening at 9pm. Believe me that gets draining, forgetting to take them and you’re back feeling horrid again.
A month into my medication & I was still in my accenting stage. Having the horrible effects of the medication changing the serotonin levels in my brain and just adjusting to my new daily routine.
Unfortunately, it isn’t as easy as just going right from tomorrow I am not taking any more tablets, because then I will get withdrawal symptoms. I need to book a doctor’s appointment for a review and discuss my options on slowly weening myself off them and starting the recovery process all by myself. It’s a learning curve and it’s about taking the next step in life and moving forward.
In the back of mind though I cannot help but think, will I go back to how I was? Will I come out of this a stronger Shanice? Will I need to be signed off work again, because it all got too much? But you never know till you try, hey?
This is me now – at the healthiest weight I’ve been looking and feeling. Yeah the medication makes you have a hell of a lot of water weight & constant bloating & sluggish but it’s health or looks in this case…. & I’ll always choose health. I’m worried that once these are out my system I’ll go back to how I was. Which isn’t an issue as that is just my natural build, but the feeling of feeling fragile and breakable is what I got often when stepping into that size 4 dress & it being slightly big?! Where as now I’m wearing a size 6-8 comfortably and I don’t feel bad about it?
The realistic side of coming off I see of it is, ill go back to having counselling sessions which might not be a bad thing because I can vent and get everything off my chest and talk about how to cope in situations I find overwhelming.
This will be the last blog post I create until I have taken the plunge, gone to the doctors and started my weening process to become medication free!
Until next time,