I thought this evening would be the perfect time to sit down and write a new post all on the title, because I am definitely having that type of day today.
I always try and keep myself as busy as possible so I am never bored or wondering what to do with my weekends off work. I must say though in the week I just like to get home and put my dressing gown on and relax till the next working day…which I’m sure the term “Not on a school night” is valid for most people!
Today was the first day in forever for me that I actually had an unplanned day and thought I would give myself a “lazy day”. However if you’re like me I get bored within 5 minutes and cannot EVER have a lay in nor sit in bed all day without feeling sick.
I thought ok Shanice, you could do with just relaxing and going with the flow for one weekend in your life haha, not travelling up to London or going out for dinner!
But of course by 11:30am I was bored endlessly and got myself dressed to go for a pointless journey to town just to get myself out of the house…that’s when I thought fuck.
It sort of took toll on me that me being constantly busy and having plans was a way of coping with my mental health situation. It kept my brain busy and I wasn’t feeling trapped in this dark hole.
Rocking up to town and walking round, it all hit me that shit I’m actually having an awful day today and I felt my anxiety rising making me just want to burst out in tears!
Running back to my car = my safety place
It all sort of made send that since taking my medication I’ve been busy ever since and have always had something to do, whether it be popping to my grandparents or getting my nails done…I hadn’t had a free day in so long so I didn’t have to face the inner Shanice if you like?
Feeling very emotionless from the medication took its break today and I felt so awful for the first time in months that I just broke down and couldn’t understand why?! I haven’t felt emotion in so long, like I use to cry every day, have regular panic attacks and whatever else! I know I need to go sort that it because it’s not normal, but it all just came to shock to me today.
Whatever the issue is in your life, when something goes south you always say “why me”?!
But I’ve learnt that it is always best to keep yourself busy, of course you have to face up to things. Today just came to a shock to me as it had been so long since I had felt like that “scared” “panicky” “fragile” girl.
I just thought it was my turn to be going in the right direction and today just made it back to square one again.
Kind of like snakes and ladders I took the long old ladder back to the start.
But you pick yourself up and go again not matter how many times.
It’s a lesson learnt and I will for sure keep myself busy from now on….
Until next time.
Outfit kindly gifted to me from Lily Lulu Fashion, discount code: SHANICEB15
Jacket: shop here
Jeans: shop here